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We went to see�Shirley on Saturday, I was dreading it. I woke up that morning feeling so anxious, I thought I knew something bad would happen but�I also knew I had to go - needed to go.

On�our walk we talked about our feelings with regard to her illness and ultimately her passing. He understands me, I don't have to go into all�of that�here except to say that the past has suddenly been left behind and in our visit I've seen what really matters.

When we drove up to the house I was happy to see that the garage door was open, his truck in the driveway was clean, and there he was, a wave and a quick smile. That image helped me alot, I knew there was some sense of normalcy in the house.

I don't want to get into every step I took while there. I just want to remember the awe that I felt as I listened to Shirley tell me her 'story'. She's got a kind of clarity that is allowing her to see what we usually are too busy clouding up our thoughts to see in our daily lives. Perhaps it's a protection mechanism that doesn't let us grasp our lives exactly as they are, doesn't let us see our lives in the present, I don't know what it is maybe just denial. If we're lucky we can see what could have been or should have been when it's safely in the past and too late to do anything about it. Then we make resolutions for the future - like, "Next time I'm not gonna let my heart get broken!"

Shirley has no blinders on, she's knows she's dying and has total resignation. She didn't make me feel sorry for her instead�all I felt was tremendous love and respect. As I�sat by her bed I held her hand and thought she never looked more beautiful.

She hopes to write down some�of her revelations, I�think that could be a treasured gift to her children. She told me a truth about her stubbern stupidity when she would never let my father go into the doctors office with her - she knows�her reasons for that were wrong -�she was wrong.�She talked about her wrong thoughts and words towards her son in law, she wants to take every word back, she was so wrong.�

We only had about 15-20 minutes together before she got tired and we said our goodbyes.�

I have no fear for her now, she's ready to move on and isn't going to waste these last moments. She knows what really matters now and when you're with her so do you, it's so amazing. I want to hang on to that. None�of us know what's around the next corner, we could be facing our last moments and wouldn't it be great to leave without regret.����

I liked today's quote - its what I need to do have a good satisfied sigh at the end of my earthly life.

Today, I biked to work.���It was scary�cause of the traffic. But if the roads were wider, it would have been ok. I did get my adrenaline pumping which is actually good practice for the� upcoming race. And that reminds me that I have to sign up.

Ok - so I'm now signed up. That is pretty scary, too. What I'm really scared of is the swim - all the kicking and crawling over people and them doing the same (hah!) But what the heck. I'm signed up so I'm going. I looked up the distance of the race I'm doing: 1.5k swim followed by a 40k bike ride and finish it off with a 10k run. FUN!! My 50 yr old�body will be screaming at me - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???? Oh calm down, it will end soon enough. Now the problem is to get the numbness out of my toes when I run more than 3 miles. I did ask for a podiatry referral from my regular doc but a nurse intercepted the email and told me I have to see my regular doc first. What - she is going to see my toes and say - "Yep you need to see the podiatrist!" And this I have to pay $20 co-pay. SH!#!!

I just drank my 2nd 8 oz glass of water, I ate spaghetti for lunch, had toast with goat cheese and butter for breakfast. I need to get a couple of tubs of protein powder for Julien and me. UGH, the chocolate stuff give me the runs. I'm gonna get the unflavored one - which of course tastes like powdered milk. The stuff I used to taste in the Philippines.

Just drank another 8oz of water and peed. If anyone is actually reading this, I have to keep track of my water intake and out since I have trouble drinking water during the day. I really only pee twice maybe three times in one day and my friend tells me that not good. I have to drink more and pee more�- so thats what I'm trying to do.

Ok - so I didn't bike home. It gets dark really fast and its really cold. So I got a ride a home. My toes are still cold from walking around without shoes on at work. I drank one more 8oz water and peed when I got home. Oh boy - I had a craving for coffee and while drinking it, I sat down and looked thru youtube and am now listening to old jazz recordings of Ella, Ray Charles, etc. Man - where have you been. So this is what all the fuss is about with youtube. Now its on to Joe Pass. Oh baby - where have you been. All this music just for the press of a few buttons. Instant satisfaction. Its no wonder people are all bug eyed from watching their laptops. You name a song, a musician, a movie, a person what WHAM there it is in living color or black and white. I guess I must have been stuck in the middle ages. Or Julien saying I'm outdated.

Now on to Pat Metheny - "Are you going with me" - the all time most beautiful piece of music ever written.

I went running at around 7:30p. I think I went about 3 miles. My left calf and left hamstring were very tight. I almost had to stop running before I got back home. But it felt good. I think all those fluids helped. Once home, drank protein shake with a little milk and lots of water. Ate some bread and chicken breast deli, toast with butter and goat cheese. Last - peppermint tea.

So today was a pretty good day. I did really good at work. I think i might actually be getting better at it.� I did what I needed to do. But now what.....I need to think about how imma advance in life.�I need to start school but with what time and will power. lord knows I lack that. I just need to focus and do shit . I still wonder about what will happen with us. I just kinda hope for the best. I'm trying to be as possitive as I�can be but it's hard not knowing.�Sometimes I'm so focused and then I'm just not. need to think more......

So far I have recieved all points possible on my essays. I hope I do as well on my first midterm.

Have a great weekend everybody!

Cleaning house and doing laundry.� I also have alot of home work to do as well. As well as doing the second part of my work-out today ( still sore from first work-out on Thursday) ( I hope it gets easier). Abby woke up at 8 am ( yeah me). Chilly in the house this morning. Honey and Cloe went out and got all muddy, just after I mopped the floor.� Colin stopped by the store. I made cimm. rolls. Colin sleeping. Turn in Midtern yesterday, it was due today. hopefully I recieve my grade today.